Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
