Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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