So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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