So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
