my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Randomize
