med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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