dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
