If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
