if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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