i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize