sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
