He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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