im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
