Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
