Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
