I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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