Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize