I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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