The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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