hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
