watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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