You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
