i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
