How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
