I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
