Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize