She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
