One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
