wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
