I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
