i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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