woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
