We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
