just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
what day is it and did you see me today?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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