your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
