and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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