i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Randomize
