I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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