Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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