Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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