Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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