:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
