My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
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