Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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