I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
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