I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
