I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
