I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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