there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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