Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
