New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Randomize