I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
