When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
