The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Randomize
