chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize