I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
