She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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