i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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