Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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