i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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