Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize