Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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